Jokes Page

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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean
(also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'. So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'. The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'. The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't
Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.' 'What, he had two arseholes?!!' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes....'

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.'

'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.' The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked.
Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.
'How does it work?'
'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For F*ck sake, you wanker, it's twenty to two in the f*cking morning!!'

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'
The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter todeath with a spanner.'
Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You Fu*king b*stard!!!'
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a fu*king spanner, he said he didn't have one!'

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!'

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her,draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her
supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice'?
The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a $20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Madam, there are $20 notes falling out of that bag...'
'Damn!' says the little old lady....'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the policeman. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!' So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '$20 or off it comes!'
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in the other bag?'

PADDY GETS AN AUDIT

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.'

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks.

'I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and p*ss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!'

IRISHMEN & DRINKING

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells him, "You know a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks from each in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says. "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
want to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine." He explains, "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking....Hasn't affected me brothers, though.

Toilet Paper Miracle

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your Breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds every day'

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take?' I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he said 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man

The Coat Hanger

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.

She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know What to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat Hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old Motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter Is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison For car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud:

"Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go
to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened
the door.

"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked. "Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"? "No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"? "He went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.”

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.

"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travele d the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284, 232 blades of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
>
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is right behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real funny. May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,....

.......silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, this is the key to the last door.

The man is relieved no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

. .. . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

DONT SWEAR AT ME COS I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT ME THIS !!

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the number 1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands)

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab
on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a
Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in Britain can a Pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the
back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the
counters. Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive
and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk
to in the first place. Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating
rink.

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 2006 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 2003 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Brits have died in the last three years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. British hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Christmas cracker pulling accidents. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2006 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to hospital in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth. 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control
Scalextric cars.

And finally

In 2006 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.